Not in the eyes of the state or any real church, Skywalker. DANTE Would you shut up?! TEEN 1 (to TEEN 2) Holy shit, dude. DANTE I'm the bitch?! RANDAL Well if we were gay, that's how I'd see it. And he said you're the bitch and you're the butch. RANDAL What the hell are you talking about? TEEN 1 Jay said you had a Star-Wars-themed wedding and you guys tied the knot dressed like storm troopers. (beat) Yo-how was the service? RANDAL What service? TEEN 2 The one at the Unitarian church where you two got married to each other last week. RANDAL See, man-if you were funnier than that, ABC never would've canceled us. DANTE Neither should you, but we let you stay. RANDAL What, am I producing an A&E Biography about 'em? I'm just saying they shouldn't be loitering around the stores like they do. DANTE I thought the fat one didn't really talk much.
RANDAL Hey, can't we do something about those two stoners hanging around outside all the time? DANTE Why? What'd they do now? RANDAL I'm trying to watch Clash of the Titans, and all I can hear is the two them screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs. Randal grabs it, takes a bite, and starts reading a newspaper. Dante rings up a customer, a half-eaten submarine sandwich sitting on the counter. QUICK STOP-DAY Randal joins Dante behind the counter. After a beat- JAY Yo-youse guys wanna hear something fucked up about him and the Quick Stop guy? INT. Jay, Silent Bob, and the Teens watch him go. (walking away) And for the record, The Time sucked ass. RANDAL What'd I tell you two about dealing in front of the store? Drop the kid and peddle your wares someplace else, burn-boy. JAY Bitch, don't you NEVER say an unkind word about The Time! Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives after Morris Day and Jerome! I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy, and Tubby here's my black manservant! Just then, RANDAL exits the video store, locking the door behind him. Jay suddenly grabs the kid by the throat, throwing him against the wall. TEEN 2 Man, that shit was so gay-fucking eighties style. TEEN 2 The guys in that Prince movie? TEEN 1 Purple Rain. Written by God Herself and handed down to the world's greatest band-the motherfucking Time. (changing up to Morris Day) My Jungle Love! Yes, Oh-we-oh-we-oh! I think I want to know ya', know ya'- TEEN 1 (digging in pockets) What the hell are you singing? JAY You don't know "Jungle Love"? That shit is the mad notes. If the money does not show, then you owe-me-owe-me- owe. JAY (as a chant) -fuck, fuck, fuck, mother-mother fuck, mother-mother fuck-fuck! Mother- fuck-, mother-fuck, mother-fuck, noinch, noinch, noinch, smoking weed, smoking weed, doing coke, drinking beers! Drinking beers, beers, beers, rolling fatties, smoking blunts! Who smokes the blunts? We smoke the blunts! A pair of TEENS approach them. DISSOLVE TO: THE PRESENT JAY and SILENT BOB stand where the Babies sat. The smaller one says- BABY Fuck, fuck, fuck.
#JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK HOW TO#
MOTHER (to baby) D'jou hear the crazy fuck tellin' me how to fuckin' raise you? Motherfucker, man! Who's he fucking think he is? What's the worse fuckin' thing could happen to you sitting outside the fuckin' stores? Fuck! The door closes, and the Babies sit there quietly for a beat. MOTHER FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING SQUARE! PASSERBY (waving her off) Ah, keep on truckin'. (walking away) Leave'em out here like that and see what happens. All in all, more puerile and less funny than its predecessors, though foul-mouthed children, stoners and idiots may take to it more than most.PASSERBY Oh, nice parenting. The acting too, is of a poor standard with too many lines and jokes fluffed, though Jason Mewes' usual one-note performance (essentially playing a toned-down version of himself, by all accounts) works well here. In Clerks it didn't matter: the script was so tight that the primitive direction was irrelevant, but here, with hardly any gags hitting the mark (special mention for Mark Hamill's spectacularly unfunny cameo) it's extremely noticeable. Unfortunately, however, Smith's usual lack of visual awareness and style is once more in evidence. Directorially, the 'post-modern' elements (several actors playing dual roles) are fairly well-handled, though presumably quite confusing for those who haven't seen earlier entries in the series. Indeed, whatever it was that made his work so individual and enjoyable was clearly lost some time ago. The many cameo appearances of characters from the other movies which comprise the extended 'New Jersey Trilogy' (Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy and the woeful Dogma) serve only to remind the viewer just how good - or even average - Smith used to be. Gone is the biting wit and odd charm of that film, and in its place, big-budget pointlessness and a dozen more dick jokes. It's almost impossible to believe that this film is from the self same Kevin Smith who wrote and directed Clerks.
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